Knights of the Old Republic Gone Insane: RELOADED!
by AlmightyIshboo
Summary: Rediscover the psychotic misadventures of Lysandara and co., now in story format to ensure it'll never be taken off of the site again! Warning: Extremely insane
1. The Endar Spire Goes KAPLOOEY!

Hahahahahahahaha! I promised that I would return this story to Fanfiction and return it I did! WHOO! So yes, for those of you who are new to this story, the main characters name is Lysandara. She is crazy. Do not underestimate her insanity, it gets you killed. Anyhoo, on with the story!

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Main Character: Lysandara

Profession: Smuggler

Likes: Cookies, shiny things, fast moving vehicles, buttons and/or levers explosions, and fuzzy animals

Dislikes: Root canals, bad people, and puppy kickers

Favorite color: Fluorescent pink

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Lysandara frowned as she felt herself hit firmly on the head with some round, crumbly object. She puffed out her lips and glanced skyward, only to be hit in the face with a chocolate chip cookie. The confused woman let out a yelp and smacked the cookie off of her face, looking around wildly.

Realization dawned on her, it was raining cookies! She giggled hysterically to herself and then proceeded to gather up as many of the heaven-sent tasty pastries that she could. The smuggler held one of the many cookies in front of her mouth, and after savoring the moment, bit down upon it.

"HEY! IDIOT! GET UP!" the cookie shouted at her. Startled, she flung the cookie away, her eyes growing wide with wonderment.

"AHHH! TALKING COOKIE!" she screeched. The cookie slowly rolled its way over to her, muttering obscenities as it did so.

"FOR THE LOVE OF THE REPUBLIC, WAKE UP! THE ENDAR SPIRE IS UNDER ATTACK!" the cookie screamed. Lysandara blinked in confusion. Wake up? For her to wake up, she would have to be asleep first…oh...

She was shaken (literally) out of her musings by a man who was standing over her. Lysandara's pupils grew and shrunk rapidly, and she promptly pulled her blankets over her head.

"AHHHH! GO AWAY!" she pleaded. She heard a guttural growl sound in reply, followed by the man inquiring,

"Why? What could be so damned important that I have to leave while the stupid ship is blowing up?" There was a short pause following this question, followed by Lysandara stating very calmly,

"I'm in my underwear." The man formed an "o" with his lips and turned around so Lysandara could change in private. Once she was sure he wasn't looking, Lysandara slowly worked her way out of her bed. She crawled over to a small chest and pulled out a suit of armor, a vibroblade, and a couple of blasters. While she tried to come up with the solution as to how such a small container could hold all these items, she put the armor on.

The man turned around and faced Lysandara, blinking as he saw her gazing at the vibroblade with an awed expression on her face. He raised an eyebrow and coughed, startling Lysandara into looking at him. Seeing that he had her attention, he extended his hand out to her, which she cautiously shook, and said,

"I'm Trask Ulgo, I'm your bunkmate here on the Endar Spire. Err…pleased to meet you. Now, let's get the hell out of here before we're blown into space dust!" After finishing, Trask bolted off, attempting to run into the hallway. Unfortunately, the door was shut and thus he ran headlong into it. Lysandara stared at Trask as he leapt up and down, rubbing his nose as he did so. Breaking into a wild grin, she followed his example and ran into the door as well.

Trask stared at Lysandara in disbelief as she began to laugh and cry at the same time as a result of her short-lived adventure. '_Gods…what did I do to deserve to get stuck with this lunatic?'_ he thought. Sighing, he opened the door, motioning to Lysandara that she should open the other door. Noticing her quizzical look, he elaborated,

"It's been locked down and I need you to slice it open." Lysandara scrunched her face up as she processed this information and cheerfully agreed to do. As she trotted over to the door, she suddenly stopped and turned to face Trask, her eyes wary and untrusting.

"Hey…" she said, "How did you get in here in the FIRST place?" Trasks' expression went blank, as if that thought had just occurred to him. He cupped his hand to his chin in thought and replied,

"I…don't…know…" Lysandara cocked her head to a side, and then shrugged.

"Whatever…" she muttered. She held her vibroblade in front of her, glaring at the door as if it had personally insulted her. Just as Trask was about to ask her what she was doing, she let out a strangled yell and cut the door loose from its hinges. It fell forward and squished a Sith soldier that had been standing there. Lysandara let out a victorious cackle and turned towards Trask, confused at his appalled expression.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?" he shouted at her. She cringed, and backed away, her eyes beginning to water. She sniffed and then said,

"I…sliced open the door…" Trask blinked, slapped himself in the face, and sighed.

"Okay, whatever. Lets just continue…" he muttered, striding past Lysandara. After a few seconds, the smuggler followed, humming cheerfully. Her own rendition of 'Smoke on the Water' was interrupted by a voice that seemed to come out of nowhere screeching,

"OY! YOU TWO IDIOTS! GET TO THE ESCAPE PODS ALL READY!" Lysandara yelped and looked around, her vibroblade held defensively in front of her.

"WHO'S THERE! SHOW YOURSELF!" she yelped. Trask growled and bonked her firmly on the head with the butt of his blaster. Ignoring her indignant glare, he pointed to a small device on Lysandara's belt,

"That was Carth on your comlink. He's the commanding officer here on the Endar Spire." He explained. Lysandara blinked, grabbed her comlink and stared at it.

"I didn't know I had this…" she said slowly. Trask shrugged.

"To_DAY_ people!" Carth screamed. Lysandara yelped and took off at a run, mowing down any Sith soldiers that got in her way. Trask blinked and moseyed calmly after her, glad that he didn't have to do all the work for once. As he rounded a corner, Trask saw Lysandara staring ahead at a battle between a Jedi and a Dark Jedi. Her eyes were glowing in barely contained awe as she regarded their lightsabers.

"Shiiiiiiney…." She observed, drooling a small waterfall. Trask gave her a look, took a few steps away from her and remarked cautiously,

"Don't you dare try to steal those lightsabers…" After he said that, the Jedi cut down the Dark Jedi. The Knight let out a victory screech but was cut off as she was blown to smithereens by a random explosion. While Trask muttered a string of obscenities, obviously upset by the loss of a potential ally, Lysandara came to the conclusion that since the two Jedi were DEAD, they didn't need their shineys anymore!

Cackling happily at her logic, she dove towards the two bodies, completely taken aback as the lightsabers seemed to have vanished into thin air. She let out a disgruntled screech and turned to glare at Trask, pointing an accusatory finger at him.

"YOU took them didn't YOU?" she screeched. Trask blinked and stared at Lysandara as if she had just grown an extra head.

"What the hell are you talking about? Oh whatever, I don't really want to know, let's just hurry up and get to the escape pods." He turned to go but was stopped as a sobbing Lysandara clung to his leg.

"THE SHINEYS! THEY HAVE FORSAKEN ME!" she lamented. Trask growled and smacked Lysandara over the head once again, this time rendering her unconscious. He played with the idea of just leaving her there, but being the noble sap that he is, carried her along with him. He stopped just outside the bridge and set the KOed smuggler on the ground, waiting for her to wake up.

After a few seconds, Lysandara's eyes snapped open and she launched herself at Trask. She grabbed his neck and screamed,

"HELP! THE MOLE PEOPLE ARE COMING TO GET MEEEE!" Trask glared at her, pried her off of his neck, and flung her onto the ground. She scowled up at him, stood up and muttered to herself. Sighing, Trask opened the door to the bridge, letting out a startled yelp as he saw several Sith soldiers there.

The Sith recovered from their surprise more quickly than Trask did, and one took aim at the bemused Republican soldier. Luckily for him, Lysandara sprang towards said Sith soldier and quickly hacked him into ribbons. Everyone, even the Sith, recoiled in horror as they saw what Lysandara had done. Lysandara however, was more horrified at the blood that now stained her shiney vibroblade.

"Hey! He desecrated the almighty shiney! I shall not rest until his cohorts are DESTROYED for that insult!" Lysandara announced dramatically. The Sith scrambled to get away from Lysandara, but they weren't quick enough. They were killed in the same artistic fashion, leaving a satisfied Lysandara standing amongst the carnage.

"The shiney is appeased! All rejoice!" she said cheerfully. Trask closed his gaping mouth and shrugged. Well, at least the Sith were dealt with…

They continued walking along until a door randomly popped open, revealing a Sith Lord.

"BOO!" the Sith Lord shouted, throwing his arms up over his head for dramatic purposes. Hescared the living daylights out of Lysandara andshe rushed to hide behind Trask who was staring at the Sith.

"All right, now I'm going to be noble and fight him so you can escape. So I'm probably going to die. See ya!" the soldier remarked cheerfully as he charged off towards the Sith Lord. The door slammed shut, leaving Lysandara all alone.

She glanced desperately around, trying to figure out where to go. As if reading her thoughts, the comlink activated. Carth's voice came through, him saying,

"Go through the door on your left, stupid!" Lysandara blinked and looked slowly over to her left, surprised to see a door had randomly appeared there. Shrugging, she skipped up through the door. Once through it, Carth contacted her once again,

"Okay well I suppose I should tell you that you're the only other alive Spire member, besides ME of course, left alive, but I don't feel like it. So I'm not going to tell you." Just as Lysandara was about to point out he HAD told her, he cut her off by saying,

"Just go down this hallway and you'll reach the escape pods." Lysandara stared down the hallway and skipped down it, inadvertently stepping on the toes of a few Sith soldiers as she did so. Completely disregarding their blaster fire and shouted curses, she continued on. She reached a room and cautiously glanced into the adjacent room, whistling lowly as she saw two battalions of Sith soldiers there.

"All right, now you can reprogram the droid to shoot the living hell outta the Sith, or you can activate the defense system using the computer." Carth remarked. Lysandara glared down at her comlink and declared,

"Naw, that would be too easy!" After her declaration, she charged into the next room and mercilessly slaughtered the Sith soldiers, cackling all the while. Once she was finished, she walked into the next room, finding herself face to face with Carth.

"Err…okay I suppose that worked. Anyway, let's get going. I have a feeling that the Endar Spire is going to explode soon." The oh-so-tasty pilot said (A/N: Oh come on, you all know you love him!).

Lysandara blinked and dove into the last escape pod, leaving room for Carth behind her. He sat down and quickly strapped himself in, staring at Lysandara as she began to push all the buttons she possibly could. One such button happened to be the "launch" button, and they were soon hurtling towards space down towards the planet below.

"OOOOH! PRETTY!" Lysandara said as she watched the Endar Spire blow up. Carth growled then blinked as he realized Lysandara had not strapped herself in.

"Uhhh…aren't you going to buckle up?" Carth asked as the planets' surface got rapidly larger. Lysandara turned to face Carth, a confused expression on her face. The next second, the escape pod smashed into the ground sending Lysandara flying. Carth rolled his eyes, unbuckled, and dragged Lysandara away from the crash site.

"Idiot. You should always wear a seatbelt!" he scolded her unconscious form.


	2. Carth's Hell Begins

(Yeah, I know. It's been a very long while. Well...shh. I was abducted by leprechauns and their cacti minions. Yes...

Anyhoo, here be the second chapter. Hopefully the rest will follow.)

Carth Onasi sighed as he watched the woman he had escaped from the Endar Spire with thrash about upon her bed. This wasn't looking good. He was worried, to say the least, about her and her chances of living. Given the situation of the planet, he couldn't exactly carry her in broad daylight over to the medical facility. There would be questions about how she had gotten into that condition and he was at a loss as to how he'd respond to _that_. Probably with a blaster shot into the head of the nearest Sith solider. Then he'd run away. _Very_ quickly.

The pilot's eyes narrowed in worry as he heard a quiet mumble coming from the woman. Thinking that these may very well be her last words, he bent over her, straining to hear what she had to say.

"My..." she mumbled out, trailing off and saying nothing further. Now Carth was even _more_ worried. Her what? Her family? Did she have something she wanted him to tell her family? Damn it...

"My...SHINYS!" she bellowed, snapping into a sitting position in around .003 seconds...or at least, she would have, if Carth's forehead hadn't been in the way. There was a resounding crack that echoed throughout the hallways of the apartment building, the other inhabitants glancing all around them for the source of said sound.

"OW! SHIT!" Carth screeched, clutching his throbbing forehead as he hastily backed away from the bedside. "Did you HAVE to do that?!"

Lysandara stared blankly at him. For all the pilot knew, that collision had given her a concussion. He wouldn't be surprised if he had one as well. Finally she frowned and tilted her head to a side. "Dunno," she responded. "Is that a trick question?" A staring contest ensued between the two people, with Lysandara patiently awaiting Carth's answer while the pilot tried to come to terms with the fact that he was stuck with an idiot.

"Whatever. Well, now that you're up, I could use some help in finding Bastila," he grumped, talking slowly so she would better understand him. Lysandara's eyes widened considerably and her hands flew to her mouth as she gasped excitedly.

"OOOH! Are you playing Hide-And-Go-Seek with her?" she chirped as she swung her legs over the side of the bed. "I LOVE Hide-And-Go-Seek!" she cheered merrily, throwing her arms up into the air.

It might not have been the response Carth was looking for, but hey...he was desperate for help at this point, even if that meant putting up with an obviously insane woman. The least he could do was humor her. "Uhh...sure. Yeah, we're playing that," he agreed. God...what was WRONG with this idiot?

"HOORAY! I want to help then!" she chimed, waving her arms up and down like a deranged bird. "Pick me, pick meeeeeeeeee!!!"

At that moment, Carth made what could be considered a very stupid decision. As he realized that he would have to put up with this insanity, he felt it would be fun to toy with Lysandara a little, just to see how she would react to certain things. So, smiling a grand smile, he pointed with a flourish towards a dejected looking toaster that was sitting on the counter across the room. "Too late! I already picked the toaster to help me!" he declared.

Bad move. Lysandara's arms slowly dropped to her sides and she glared murder at the appliance. Before Carth could say anything, she was bolting across the room towards her rival and yanking it out of the wall. After cackling maniacally, she bashed the appliance against the wall a few times then threw it roughly onto the ground. It lay in a pile of parts at her feet. "Oh well! Guess I have to help you!" she observed in an overly cheerful voice, acting as though the random slaughter of innocent toasters was an everyday activity for her.

Carth nonchalantly edged away from her a few feet, unable to hide his nervousness despite his best efforts. "Alright...sounds...good," he answered her lamely. Fortunately for him, Lysandara was a failure at detecting his fear. Rather, she began skipping cheerfully around the room, chirping out "Yay!" after "Yay!". The pilot sighed and rolled his eyes, pressing a hand up against his forehead. Be patient...it will all be okay in the end...

Suddenly Lysandara's normal skipping pattern changed and she pranced over towards the refrigerator. Once she reached it, she stood in front of it and stared. And stared. And stared some more. Carth arched an eyebrow at this latest insanity and cautiously edged his way closer to the woman. "What are you doing?" he asked, trying to keep his tone polite. Lysandara blinked, a frown crossing her face.

"It's not opening," she pouted, poking the traitorous cooling device. Carth held back a sigh and slowly shook his head.

"That's because YOU have to open it," he explained as patiently as he could. Lysandara stared at him as if he were the madman then reached forward, grasping the handle to the refrigerator. It opened as soon as she pulled on it. She let out a cheer of joy and reached in, grabbing a block of cheese.

"How come it doesn't open when you approach it? Doors doooo!" she whined as she began to messily devour the cheese on the spot. Carth tried not to stare so much and even managed a nonchalant shrug.

"Not sure," he replied neutrally. Lysandara pursed her lips in thought, slowly nodding as the cheese block disappeared from sight and into her mouth. Once she was finished eating, she obviously decided that she didn't care about the odd ways of refrigerators any more as she barreled right out the door and into the apartment complex. Carth let out a screech and charged after her. "WAIT!" he wailed. "WE HAVE TO AVOID DETECTION FROM THE SITH!"

It was then that he noticed something. Something very important. Standing about six feet away was a Sith officer along with two battle droids. So much for being subtle.

The Sith stared at Lysandara and Carth who stared right back at them. Lysandara twitched after a while, her eyes narrowing to slits.

"It's rude to staaaaaaaaare," she whined, ignoring the fact that she was doing just that. The Sith rolled his eyes and aimed his blaster rifle towards Lysandara, a smirk spreading across his face.

"Your point?" he asked. Lysandara's frown only deepened at that and her eyes even began to water a little.

"Mean poo head," she pouted as she puffed her cheeks out in a childish manner. The Sith burst into laughter at the insult, lowering his blaster rifle to clutch at his sides. The next moment, Lysandara was rushing towards him, her vibroblades springing out of seemingly thin air. After two quick slices, the Sith officer collapsed upon the ground, very obviously dead. After screeching out what would pass for a victory screech, Lysandara bashed the droids' heads in. They spewed forth many pretty sparks before collapsing on the ground as well. Lysandara giggled and clapped merrily to herself at what she thought was a very pretty lights show, demanding that more lights pop up. Carth just stared. What in the hell...

Lysandara noticed that the pilot was staring at her and began to pout even more. "Whaaaaaaaaat?" she asked, her tone irritated.

Carth shook his head, pointedly looking away. "Absolutely nothing," he mumbled. He jumped in surprise as Lysandara began barreling towards him, assuming that she was going to do the worst. He almost managed to point his twin blasters towards her, but she tackled him to the ground before he could pull the triggers. He yelped as he crashed into the ground, Lysandara firmly planted on top of him.

"Who are YOOOU?!" she bellowed, pointing an accusatory finger down at him. Carth shrunk away from her, his face turning red from both anger and a blush. Hey, they WERE in an awkward position...not to mention several aliens were staring.

"Get off of me and I'll tell you," he grumbled. Lysandara eyed him suspiciously but stood all the same, watching Carth like a hawk as he scrambled to stand. The pilot edged very slightly away from Lysandara, just enough for him to have some bubble space but not enough to make her tackle him again. After a moment of silence, Carth sighed.

"I'm Carth Onasi," he introduced grumpily. Lysandara blinked and then cheered, throwing her arms around Carth's neck, pulling him into a tight hug.

"And I'm Lysandara!" she chirped. Carth stared down at her, finding himself unable to do much else. He tried to pry her off, but to no avail.

"Umm...nice to meet you?" he guessed, giving up after his efforts to remove this parasite failed. An idea struck him, though, and he followed through on it. "But Lysandara, if we don't start looking soon, Bastila's going to win the Hide-And-Go-Seek game," he murmured solemnly, trying to convey the seriousness of this matter to her. The ploy worked, her eyes growing wide in horror.

"NOOO! That cannot happen!" she protested, letting go of Carth in favor of barreling off, out of the apartment complex and into the city. Carth swore a few thousand times under his breath as he gave chase, hoping against hope that this idiot woman wouldn't stumble into some sort of Sith trap.


End file.
